Feeling loved

LO is breaking my heart a little bit right now.  Just two days ago I was thinking about how well I was handling things emotionally.  I remember crying a lot after LO was born.  Not post-partum depression type crying, but definitely crazy, crying at cheesy commercials, post-partum hormone crying.  I thought maybe I was going to escape that this time, but, lately, it seems I will not.  That combined with what I know is completely normal, and totally expected behavior that feels like rejection from LO is just an ugly combination.

Truly, I don't even know that LO has hit the real behavioral response to having NB home yet.  Still in the last 48 hrs he has thrown tantrums like I've never seen him throw, he has chosen to go "straight to crib" rather than have story time with me, and he has shown a clear preference for DH.  I'm really grateful that DH is so worthy of of those affections.  I have told him for a long time that LO would think he hung the moon one day, and he would give me the cold shoulder.  It's nice to see LO be DH's shadow for a change, it's just hard to give up my buddy for that to happen.  I think the loss of story time at nap and bedtime has been the hardest part though.  For several days LO asked DH to stay for stories...something we've never done, and I'm not sure why.  It was a really special time those few nights to have all together.  NB even joined us one night.  Then, suddenly, LO said he didn't want stories or prayers, just straight to crib.  He's been in a stage of saying he wants one thing, then changing to another, and we are trying to teach him that we are going to stick with his first choice.  So we've honored his request to skip story time, but DH and I are so sad to see it go.  It has, for a long time, been the sweetest part of my day, where LO would be still, sometimes cuddle, and we could have quiet moments together.  Since NB has come home, it was the only reliable time I knew I had with LO.  Now it is gone.  I have two theories about why he has made this change, neither of which have anything to do with rejecting me or being mad about the changed in the family.

Rationally, I know not to take this personally.  Emotionally, though, it has hit me hard.  I wish there was some way I could explain to him that I still love him, that I miss having time with him too.  I wish he could understand that his brother will be the closest relationship he has outside of DH and me until he has a family of his own.   That they will share a bond no one else can match. The good news is that I know this will all turn around one day.  Before I know it I'll have two little boys picking on each other, loving each other in the ways only boys can, and maybe they'll be thick as thieves.

So, I wanted to write this post to remind myself of the things that are making me feel loved lately.  Apparently I just needed to unload some baggage first...hope you don't mind.

1) Finding these when I came home from the hospital.

My mom believes a woman should get roses when she gives birth.  These are mine from having NB.

2) Three weeks of meals provided by my friends and neighbors.  One neighbor sent out an e-mail asking people to sign up, and, in less than 24 hrs, had commitments for two weeks of meals.  Some of these were from people who don't even know us well.  Wow!

3) My husband.  Really, I don't know where to start on this one. This morning, though, while we were giving NB his first real bath, you touched my arm in a very tender way.  That touch said a lot, and I love you more for it. Thank you, for everything. I don't know what I'll do next week without you!

4) LO, strange as it sounds, clearly misses me.  The ways he is showing that may be hard.  Knowing he misses me is also hard, but it does remind me how important I am to him. Also, I have taken to riding in the back seat of the car to keep an eye on my boys until they get used to each other.  I started reaching across NB's car seat to hold LO's hand.  He lets me.  It might be the only tender, "us" moment we have left right now.

5) NB.  I just can't adequately describe how sweet it is to feel him melt into my chest as I hold him, or feel him nuzzle under my chin.  I think the honeymoon period is over with this little guy and the fussy sleepless nights are beginning (another reason LO has had a tough time...I'm sure he's awakened by NB's crying all night too!), but the mornings are oh so sweet!

6) Friends and family who have written, called, sent cards or words of encouragement.  My sister just sent me a heart in the mail that says "love you."  Thank you.  I may not be great at getting back to all of you right now, but your messages mean a lot.  I love you too.

So there is the silver lining, and I am grateful for it.