Our Nursing Story, pt 2...pumping

As much as I've loved nursing you, I hate to pump. Of course I don't know any woman who likes that thing. Truth be told, I feel there's a very thin line separating me and Bessie the cow when I use it. It's like some sort of medieval torture device. The only upside of the thing is that it has allowed me to build a milk supply for you to have when I'm away. And build a supply I did. I started pumping when you were just three weeks old. I was fortunate to have a double electric Medela pump, which is considered among the best outside of the hospital grade pumps. The first day I used it, I couldn't figure out how to get it positioned correctly and turn it on. I know moms joke about needing an extra set of hands, but does Medela think we actually have them? I called my neighbor, whose son is 3 months older, to ask her what she does. "I turn it on with my toe" she replied. Then I called another friend "yeah, I bought the bustier." Well I don't have that kind of dexterity in my toes, so bustier time it was. Once that came in I was all set to torture myself with gusto.

Let me just say that these things should not be sold to type-A moms without some sort of warning. I wish someone had told me that pumping is not a competition. You do not get brownie points for enduring pain. In fact, there is no reward for you or your milk supply for said pain. Truly, it took me waaaay too long to figure those things out. In the meantime, I was willing to hurt while I pumped because I thought it would get better. I also thought that I could get more milk in a shorter period of time that way. I...was...DUMB. I don't remember when I finally started to cut myself some slack and dial down the suction, but it was too, too long. When I did, I got the same amount of milk in the same amount of time, and didn't experience a Pavlovian spike in heart rate or sweaty palms every time I hooked myself up. It certainly didn't make pumping fun, but it was a lot more bearable.

In the meantime, I pumped every day even though you took one bottle a week until I returned to work, and then only took three or four bottles a week. I was fiercely protective of our supply and reluctant to use it unless absolutely necessary (saving it for only when I was at work). My goal was initially to nurse you until I started work, then I allowed myself to set a goal of nursing until you were 3 months, then 6 months exclusively. Once we reached that point, I looked toward 9 months, but privately started planning to make it a year.

All along I wanted to have a healthy perspective on nursing you. I believe breastmilk is the perfect food for you, but the most important thing was for me to love you, care for you, and feed you something. If nursing didn't work out at some point, then I would do whatever worked better. As much as my head said that, my heart didn't believe it. I don't know how to explain that to someone who hasn't been through it. I couldn't have really understood it before I had you. There is just this very complicated psychological and emotional thing about nursing. So as much as I wanted to have a rational approach to it, the thought of not making it to my goal with you always made me sad. I think that is why I pumped and stored and protected this milk supply like it was my job. It wasn't fun, but it was important.

I was so dedicated that our supply outgrew our fridge. In March, your Dad and I went ahead and bought our replacement fridge, but saved the old one to store milk. I think at that point, I realized the supply was out of control and I started to relax a bit. Still, with all those bags, I did the math and found that it was really only three weeks of milk. If I was in a horrible car crash and stuck in the ICU, you could only eat for three weeks before we'd need a new plan. (I am not kidding when I say that I asked your Dad to make sure the ICU docs let him hook a pump up to me so I could maintain my supply until I got better! So much for the rational approach. )

By April, I decided not to pump every day. That was a big deal for me since we started using more milk to mix in with your food. Not pumping every day gave me a little time to myself while you napped in the morning. That was so refreshing as I had not had that since you were born. Of course just weeks after I decided to slack off, we had your six month check up. That's the visit where your weight was down a bit and your pediatrician's concern set my head spinning. All it took was one comment about me pumping less to send me right back to the daily schedule.

I continued pumping most days of the week until last month. As a result, we now have enough stored milk that I'm looking into donating it to our regional milk bank for pre-mature and sick babies to use. They take a minimum of 200 oz, but I'm fairly sure we'll have that much that we can spare. Of course I could continue to give it to you until you used up all our stores, but the sick babies might need it more. As of today, you are three weeks away from your first birthday. Even if something happens tomorrow to keep me from nursing you, we have the stores to make it to your birthday. It's such a relief to know that. The pumping seems to have been worth it now. I don't know how long we'll nurse before you are completely weaned, but I know the pumping is coming to an end. Nothing makes me sad about that!